Clean up on Aisle Five
by Spikesgirl58
Summary: Why Napoleon should never take Chef shopping. Warning - very silly!


Illya Kuryakin was bored, really and truly bored. He watched Napoleon going through the ties rack again and groaned inwardly. Aloud, he muttered, "Napoleon, aren't you done yet?"

"Listen, Target is the best we have here in Jackson. Bear with me while I make the best decisions I can with their limited stock."

"But I'm bored."

"Then go amuse yourself."

Being a former, well-trained agent, Illya followed the directions of his former, well-trained CEA… and would continue to do so, each and every time Napoleon dragged him along.

Napoleon shuffled through the mail, frowning when he found a rather thick manila envelope from the target regional manager

He carried it to the desk where a cup of coffee and a piece of Danish awaited him. Tearing the envelope open, he put on his glasses and began to read:

Dear Mr. Solo:

Over the past six months, your partner has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your partner, Mr. Kuryakin, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras."

1. June 15: He took twenty four boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at five-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: He walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House Wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: He went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: He moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: He set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: He looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: He darted around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the _Mission Impossible_ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, 'Pick me! Pick me!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

15. October 23: He took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 28: He went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.

I'm sorry to have to take such extreme action, but I'm afraid it is necessary for the safety and sanity of our store.

Respectfully,

Gladys Delaney

Napoleon re-read the letter and sighed. It was his fault, of course. He should have never left Illya to his own devices.

Illya walked into the room at that moment and stopped in mid-step. "What's wrong?"

"You picked your nose using a security camera for a mirror."

Illya grinned. "Busted?"

Napoleon held out the letter to him. "So busted… and banned. You know what these means now, don't you?"

"You aren't going to force me to go shopping with you?"

"Far from that. Now, you will never leave my side and I'm thinking I suddenly need another tie."

"Can't. We're banned."

"They just opened a Wal-mart in Sutter Creek. Your goose is now cooked, boiled, and quartered at the stake."

Illya scratched his nose and grinned. "I wonder where their security cameras are…"


End file.
